Rebirth (TW suicide thoughts)

Hi again,

I don't know if there was one reason behind my discontinuation of regular blogging, but I do know there were lots of factors. I’ll get into those in just a sec...

Today is the first day that I am committed to blogging everyday for at least a month. Then hopefully two months. Then maybe a year. We'll see.

The following post is going to one of complete honesty and realness. So brace yourselves. Just kidding… But I am going to be totally, brutally, ugly honest with you. For real.

I started this website and blog as an effort to position myself more professionally as a public speaker on the topic of mental health. Honestly, that’s the main reason I did it. I want to help people, but I really didn’t know if blogging was going to help anyone at all and I kind of thought it was going to be a waste of my time. I wanted an official website where people could go to get proof that I am a real, somewhat professional speaker person, and that I am yearning to reach more people and spread more positive vibes. But when I started this blog, my heart wasn’t in it.

I had this idea that each post had to be something profound and well thought out; an article type of post that would have a thesis statement, researched findings and a concise conclusion. I quickly realized that these types of posts were a pain in the ass to produce every week, and I began to get stressed out every time Wednesday approached. So I switched my “day of posting” to Thursday. And then I started dreading Thursdays. And then I missed one week. And then I just kept missing them and now we are here.  Recently, I realized that each post did not need to meet the standard of a research paper. Or even a proper journal entry. I realized that this is my friggin website with my friggin blog on it and I can post whatever the heck I want. Lucky for you guys, what I want to post is hope. Whether it be in the form of inspiring words or pictures of bunnies, I want to make this blog a place where you can come to hear about my struggles, things that I have learned, tips on coping, new research on EDs, other people’s struggles, my successes, other people’s successes… it goes on.

I follow Ashy Bines on everything. I love her; she's freaking awesome. She is an excellent entrepreneur and knows how to brand herself effectively. She inspires me a lot, and when I think of my work in the mental health field, I like to think of myself as an inspirational figure. Lately, I haven't been feeling very inspirational. And I think that is the main reason I stopped posting. Instead of lying and pretending to be okay in order to offer guidance and support, I'm just going to be real with you. So here it is...

I’m in school. I’m almost done the Human Kinetics Diploma program at Okanagan College in Penticton, and while I joke about how lame I am for living with my parents and going to college to learn about exercise, I am kind of proud of myself. 

I haven’t been working out regularly. Sometimes I will go a whole week or two following my regular plan, and then, just like with the blog, I’ll miss a day. Which turns into a week. Which turns into a month. And I hate myself for it. For someone who used to have an exercise addiction, it is extremely strange for me to be so complacent and just plain lazy. I’ve always made fitness a large part of my identity so I start feeling lost when I get out of routine, and I’ve been beating myself up for being so unmotivated. I’ve been saying cruel things to myself. Not showering. Skipping my meds. Eating poorly. I am a certified yoga instructor. I haven’t practiced yoga in two weeks. I haven’t practiced regularly in 8 months. I haven’t meditated regularly for over a year. I am guilty and ashamed. It took me a laughable amount of time to realize that I had fallen into a depression. And it has taken even longer for me to decide to do something about it.

I’ve been here before. Sad, stressed, tired, unmotivated. And I’ve successfully gotten out of it multiple times. But the thing that’s different about this time, is how lost I feel. For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan. High school, college, university… I interrupted the plan when I decided to take a year off to travel and purposefully didn’t apply to any universities. I was going to work for the summer, save up, and head out to see the world with my boyfriend come fall. When this depression hit, everything became void of meaning and all I could think of was escape. I wasn’t suicidal in the sense that I wanted to take my life; I wasn’t going to take initiative. But lately I’ve been fantasizing about terrible accidents and dangerous adventures that I don’t come back from. I’m not devoid of hope. Just uncomfortable in this self loathing. And I’ve had enough of it. I want to find myself again.

Two summers ago I went to Salt Spring island BC to live on the property and participate in the Yoga Teacher Training Program. It was the closest I have ever been to peace in my entire life, and that was at a time when ED was still whispering in my ear. There is a Yoga Service and Study Immersion program that lasts longer than YTT…This could be my perfect escape. I have considered it a lot… It would be the perfect place to find myself again in this time of inner chaos. But then when I return, I would have no money, no plan for school, and be lost again. I know that in order to be better, I need to get back to exercising, meditating, and practicing yoga every day. I need to stop saying cruel things to myself. I need to get outside more. And I need to stop taking so many goddamn naps every time I feel overwhelmed. I need to stop coping. And start growing. And I know I can do that here, in this paradise town of lakes and sunshine. It’s just going to take some extra work.

I’d like you to join me on this path back to wellness. I’ll post little things (or big things!) everyday that have to do with my journey and I’d love it if you commented ideas or tips or struggles or successes. I know everyone won't agree/benefit from everything I post. And that's okay. All I can hope for is that maybe hearing about how crappy I've been lately, will help you feel better about yourself. And then hopefully once I'm less crappy my posts will bring some inspiration into your day.

Here are just a few things that I’ve been telling myself lately to get through this poopy time:

“Nothing is forever unless you want it to be."

“Someone (okay lots of ones) care about you."

“Laugh at everything you can possibly find humour in."

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself and change something. Just one thing. Then more things. Then be happy. Jk. But hopefully.” 

 

 

I love you.

 

 

Rylee